October 9, 2004 at 11:38 am #9103scam_shyParticipant
Wasn’t quite sure where to post this, here or in joke section!
Your guide to running your own Scamera Partnership:
No previous experience is required as the national scamera group will do it all for you – but you must be prepared to pathologically lie on TV and in the papers. If you can’t lie, you just need to be terminally stupid and believe the rubbish that spouts from your mouth.
1. Produce an ‘operational case’ – a euphemism for ‘business plan’. You’ll need to assign targets to your scamera droids because within three years you’ll have an empire of at least 60 civil servants all of whom need to be paid. By this time, the monster you have created will be so large there will be no going back.
2. Set up a website comprising of trite road safety quotes as per NSCL handbook. Must have at least 3 of the following: Camera Site, FAQ, The Process, Myths, Links to other partnership sites. Optionally you can choose a really cheesey name so that you can appear cool and ‘with it’. Examples are Arrive Alive, Slow it Down, etc. Be careful not to choose anything that those naughty thugs at ABD will spoof.
3. Buy a load of crappy pens and carrier bags to give away at the local carnival.
4. Spend a fortune on bus adverts and local radio.
5. Commission a survey with loaded questions, the answer will always be 70% and 80%. Even if it isn’t.
6. Regularly appear in the local press, pick from the following quotes:
“We want to make speeding as anti-social as drink driving.”
“75% of people support safety cameras.”
“We get more requests for cameras than complaints.”
“We’re not here to make money, we’re saving lives.”
“At 35mph you’re more likely to….”
Many more quotes available from NSCL. Never let fact get in the way.
7. Choose your camera sites. Don’t worry about accident history, as the 1km radius will cover most circumstances. Where it doesn’t, use the 15% rule. Make sure your scamera droids can hide behind bushes, bus shelters, walls etc.
8. Hire a statistiscian to make the first year 20% increase in fatalaties look like a 33% drop. Don’t worry if you can’t produce your own stats, simply recycle the ones from the pilot scheme four years ago.
9. Make sure that you reply to every question from the general public with the answer to something completely different. Ignore anyone who seems to know what you’re talking about, and block their email addresses if they’re an ABD member.
10. Don’t be seen to be sending too much money back to the Exchequer. Always make sure that you pretend to publish accounts, but in fact just publish number of tickets, income and expenditure. Try to make the difference between income and expenditure less than £5 in the first year, spend a fortune on office equipment, company cars, advertising and completely unnecessary annual re-writes of your pointless website.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.
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