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Use these at your own risk… I did
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!
The wife’s back on the warpath again, she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My wife accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. Her next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off first.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought …. sod it …. soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8.00 am and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered that Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
My neighbour complained about the noise my wife makes when having sex, so I don’t let her go over there any more!
I asked my wife why she doesn’t cuddle me after she orgasms, she said – because you’re never there!
My wife had one of her nipples pierced trying to re-live her youth, but she had to take it out as it kept catching it with her toe!
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