Elf and Safety

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a
nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Such persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all
times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before
rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered noise pollution.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have
also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this
time of year, they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from
centrally heated observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining
his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions –
including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this
investigation takes place.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how
many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please
note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road,
Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of
any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being
labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.
Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an
infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA
Routefinder or GSP navigation, which will provide the quickest route and
advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines
from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of
Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the
three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the
camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed –

Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety
pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be
found to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and
shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be
instituted after a case study has been carried out and fully discussed
at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee.