this is how to sell a vehicle

Great stuff!

This is the text, just in case ebay take it off listing:

Relisted due to me adding a link that I shouldnt’ have done (Sorry eBay, won’t happen again).

Do you like it Dirty?

If so you will love my Rover 214si as it could really do with a good clean.

I am offering it for spares or repair although it does run really well, has an MOT until the end of March and Tax until the end of June.

So why are you selling it?

Good Question, well to be honest it has a few things wrong with it and I thought that rather than fix them I would go and buy myself another car.

But the Rover 214si is a quality car, what could possibly be wrong with it that would make you want to sell it?

It is a quality car there is no denying that, but the defect list is as follows: –
The electric windows don’t work – some hoody wearing yob broke in to it while it was parked up near Reading and the windows never worked after the new glass was put in. On the plus side, if you are looking for a car with new glass in the windows then look no further, this is the vehicle you have been searching for.
The Intermittent function on the front windscreen wipers is very intermittent indeed, it sometimes works and sometimes it doesn’t. To be honest it is quite entertaining trying to guess where on the windscreen the wiper blade will actually stop, plus as the rest of the wiper functions work fine it’s not really a big headache.
The internal heater / cooler fan only works on setting 3 and above, not sure why it decided to not blow out any air on settings 1 or 2 but as far as I see it if you want air blowing inside the car then open a window. Obviously you wont be able to close it again afterwards (see above) but that’s all part of the Rover’s charm.
Rear heated screen doesn’t work, I assume this is probably just a fuse or something but given the state of the rest of the electrical issues this car has got I wouldn’t bank on a 23p fuse fixing the problem.
The car has a rather attractive Radio Cassette built in, I do have a code for this but have not mastered how to make the thing work. Not that I am really that bothered, I haven’t bought any cassettes since about 1986 and given the dross that they play on Radio 1 these days I doubt I am missing much in terms of entertainment anyway. It’s not the same since Simon Mayo stopped doing the top 40 and Dave Lee Travis got fired.
The seats are a bit worn as well, but it has done 110,000 miles so that is only to be expected. You could probably camouflage the seats by buying some of those beaded seat covers from the local market anyway, you know, the ones that every minicab driver seems to use. I can’t see them increasing the comfort factor by much though, how can sitting on 120 wooden balls be comfortable, you would probably end up with a backside with more dimples on it than a golf ball. Anyway, if you want to buy one of those there are probably loads on eBay but you don’t get any with this car.
The exhaust system including the catalytic converter needs replacing. On the plus side this does mean that the car makes a rather excellent noise when travelling at speed, however at low speeds it does sound like an asthmatic camel carrying a bin bag full of spanners.
There may be other stuff wrong with it that I don’t know about but I have been driving my kids around in it and I wouldn’t do that unless I thought it was safe. Actually, on the subject of kids, if you buy the car and then find a Pokemon card in the back somewhere then my son would quite like it back. I have no idea which Pokemon card it was but the “animal” thing in the picture was yellow and in my opinion looked a bit like Paul Daniels.

What colour is the car?

Well, a quick look at the photos in this listing will show you that it is a rather attractive shade of red. When it has been cleaned it will be a real “babe magnet”, you’ll probably see that women suddenly start to notice you and find you more attractive.

A “Babe Magnet”, are you sure?

Ok, that bit probably isn’t true, but it is a nice shade of red.

So did women find you more attractive when you were driving this car?

Ok, you caught me out again there, that isn’t strictly true either, most of the women I met tended to think I looked a bit like a horse. Unfortunately while I may resemble a horse in appearance that is where the similarity ends.

It has done 110,000 miles, has it ever let you down?

Only by not attracting women.

Do you have happy memories of the car?

Yes, I have some very happy memories, I once backed in to my boss’s car in the company car park and while there was no damage to the well built British Rover his low quality piece of French tat looked like it had been driven into a wall. Happy days indeed.

What are the wheels like?

Well, it has 4 Alloys, they are a bit scuffed but could probably be made to look quite nice with a bit of effort. There is some life left in the tyres as well, if you are interested I can measure the tread on them but they will certainly last a good few thousand miles yet.

What about the spare?

That’s one of those space saver things, I don’t think it has ever been out of the boot to be honest. I would rather stick the car on the back of a low loader and pay £120 to get towed off the motorway than drive around with 3 Alloys and one other wheel that looks like it belongs on a scooter anyway. Plus if you have one on your car you can only drive at 50mph, who does 50mph on a Motorway? Old people, that’s who, pensioners that drive while wearing hats. So if you know any hat wearing pensioners that still have a driving license then you could probably flog the spare wheel to them. Tell them its “low profile” or something, they’re not going to know the difference anyway.

They don’t build Rovers any more do they?

Sadly they don’t build Rovers any more and therefore I think you could consider this a “collectors item”. This is a vehicle for connoisseurs. Fine wines, excellent food, fashionable clothing and the Rover 214si they all seem to fit together perfectly. You would not feel out of place sipping Champagne and eating oysters next to this car whilst picnicking at Ascot.

But this is such a magnificent vehicle I have so many other questions I need to ask you, what should I do?

Feel free to ask me any questions you like, my specialist subjects are sport and 1980’s pop music however I will attempt any other questions you choose to ask.

Please bid though as buying a replacement car has left me a bit skint and I only have a quarter of a tank of fuel left to last me until payday.

When this Item was originally listed there were 65000 views, 1300 people watching it and in excess of 350 questions, below are some of my favourites, feel free to ask some more.

Question & Answer Answered

Q: Hi I’ve noticed in one of your photo’s a disabled person being pushed in a wheelchair, Who do you think would win in a race, the fine Rover or the disabled person???

A: Hmmm, it would be a close run thing but my money would be on the “Red Rocket”(assuming we could get it started).

Q: Hi there, nice advert. I used to have rover 416gsi, on a H plate. Under the layers of dirt it was red. We used to call the car “red rocket”. Please feel free to name yours “red rocket” too. It might push up the bidding with a name like that. Thanks, Steve

A: Thanks for the suggestion Steve, from now on the “Hot Hatch” shall be known as the “Red Rocket”. If the price doesn’t go above £250 I am going to be coming looking for you to make up the difference though.

Q: I notice that the car appears to have been fitted with a telegraph pole, only visible in the pictures after the Jedi visited, is this strictly legal? Will the lucky buyer receive a payment

from BT for this ?

A: The car doesn’t have a BT land line fitted nor does it come with broadband. The Missus quite likes the idea of being referred to as a Jedi, although perhaps not Yoda. Were there any good looking Jedi, does Princess Leia count?

Q: Hi, great car you have there. If I won would this car withstand the freezing temperatures like those in Ice Road Truckers? I quite like the idea of being a trucker but cannot afford a nice

Scania or Volvo truck so would like to use this to pull hauls up and down on thin ice!

A: Although this car has legendary “pulling power” i doubt it could shift the kind of stuff they carry in Ice Road Truckers. Thanks for your question.

Q: hi does the rover have a thermal imaging camera as would want to take it to iraq in my chopper ? kind regards royal marines.

A: Unfortunately it doesn’t come with a thermal imaging camera, or any other sort of camera for that matter. The Rover would be at home in Iraq as it does have a sunroof and I believe it is quite Sunni over there. Sorry, that joke was a little Shi-ite. Buy my car!

Q: Is this vehicle likely to get me killed?

A: Only if you happen to be that hoody chav that broke in to it in Reading and you return to try and steal it.

Q: Do you accept luncheon vouchers? I’m very interested in the car but we are not allowed cash in here. If you don’t take luncheon vouchers how about a few ounces of snout?

A: I assume from your use of the word “snout” that you are residing at Her Majesty’s pleasure somewhere. I suspect you maybe considering using the “Hot Hatch” as some sort of escape vehicle. You can rely on the Rover to outrun any of those so called “high powered pursuit vehicles”, you certainly wont get done “bang to rights” or “stitched up like a kipper” if you buy this car. Freedom is just a bid away.

Q: Wotcha. Great advert. Your blower problem is probably due to the resistors being… erm…blown. What you (or the buyer) needs is a ROVER HEATER RESISTOR REPAIR KIT. £3.00 on ebay. Fixed my Rover 45 with them. (Bit of a b*****d to get to them, though). Cheers, Mark

A: Thanks, I’m sure that the buyer will will have £3.00 left after paying me the tiny amount that this will eventually sell for.

Q: Do you realize that this Rover has actually made you a minor internet celebrity and that the link is flying around email addresses all over the uk,australia and the usa? How do you feel?

A: The Rover is the true star of this ad, not me. I am pleased that the car is famous in Australia & the USA, it’s nice to know that the bits of the Empire that we didn’t want anymore still take an interest in items from the Mother country.

Q: If this vehicle was to feature on “Britains got talent” what would you think it would perform, other than handbrake turns?

A: At last, a sensible question! The Rover would just sit there looking sexy yet approachable, women would probably be fainting all around it and men would be looking at it with envy.

Simon Cowell would probably offer it a record contract there and then. Actually, perhaps that would be a better way to make money out of the Rover, would anyone like to buy a 60 min

CD containing the sound of me revving the nuts out of it?

Q: Since you seem to know so much about the 80s, I was wondering if your mean machine can time travel like the DeLorean in Back to the Future?

A: I suspect that the Rover 214si could indeed go “Back to the future” however the only way it could possibly reach 88 mph would be on the back of a low loader. Or maybe if it was

pushed off a cliff. Buy the car and give it a try.

Q: I am in a singing competition where the first prize is £250. The next couple of weeks are dedicated to different decades and I need to choose a song from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. I

have a good vocal range for a bloke (bass to tenor). What would you recommend? Oh, I have just bought a new car and wish I had spotted your listing before I did so. Best wishes, James.

A: If i were you I would choose “Making your mind up” by Bucks Fizz, i think that song combined with a pair of Chinos that you could whip off part way through the song to reveal some tasteful 1980’s blue speedos would go along way to ensuring your success in the competition.

Q: If your rover was travelling at the speed of light will the headlights still work?!! Kind regards Kev

A: What is this, a Physics lesson? Given the electrical issues with the car I am not sure they would work if the car was stationary.

Q: How old are you?

A: 40, but i look lots younger. The Rover has youth giving properties a bit like those egg things in the swimming pool in the film Cocoon. Buy this car for eternal youth. *Note: the Rover

eternal youth claim may not be 100% true, or in fact 1% true. Buy my car!

Q: I can’t believe it’s not butter. What can’t you believe?

A: I can’t believe you haven’t bid on this classic Babe magnet. Obviously the “Babe” i am referring to is the one in the film, but if you are attracted to pigs then this is the vehicle to have.

Q: Could you and would you deliver it to Glasgow if i won the auction?

A: No and No. Unless I get over a grand for it and you pay for my flight back to civilisation. By the way, i don’t accept Scottish money as its worth even less that those Zimbabwean Dollars that someone tried to make me accept 2 days ago.

Q: Hello, does the boot in the rover big enough to fit a 6 foot 2 randy frenchman? 25-Mar-09

A: The boot smells like there is one in there already.

Q: You specified in an earlier answer that Showaddywaddy wouldn’t fit in the car – do you think I would be able to squeeze in Duffy and Girls Aloud instead?

A: I’d certainly be up for finding out one way or another. 5 beautiful women in the Rover, plus the ginger one to give it a push if it wouldnt start.

Q: Excellent spot. You should consider moonlighting as a proof reader. I have just noticed that you’re (note spelling of you’re fellow bidders) located in Tadley – one of my favourite places – where a car like that must make you a prominent and well respected member of the community. Are you not concerned that you will become an outcast? Lamentably, the bid

price has exceeded the rally’s circumscribed maximum but I have published your ad on the company car blog here at Microsoft so expect some corporate enquiries.

A: You work for Microsoft? I can see this would be an excellent company car from anyone in that fine organisation. Rather like your software the Rover will work for a while without any problems and then just stop for no apparent reason. Unlike your software it will not blame the user for the the fact it has decided to no longer work, neither will it then ask me if it can contact its parent organisation to report back on how crap it is.

Q: What is the tyre pressure of each wheel?

A: An excellent question and one that i will choose to ignore. The honest answer is probably “a bit less than they should be” as the “Skill Wagon” has been standing for about a week or so

without moving. Thanks for your question.

Q: Being a ex-owner of one of these superb motors ( as well as the 400 )I have spread the word of yur listing . Here’s another sporting question to test your knowledge – nop googling allowed … Name the player :- A. One england cap . B. 2 European Cup winning medals – for different clubs , but only played a total of 9 minutes in the 2 respective finals .

A: I will go for Steve MacManaman (not in a sexual way obviously), I can’t believe he played for England and I was sadly overlooked. It was only by lack of ability and dedication combined with my liking for Meat & Potato pies which stopped me from being a big star.

Q: Hi is this car any quicker than a BMW 335D “mapped”

A: I would suspect the Rover is marginally quicker as it is a red car and everyone knows that red cars are faster than cars of other colours. We could have a drag race to find out for sure but as you drive a BMW you would have to wait for ages for someone to let you out of a side road first. . .

Hit me at 30mph there is an 80% chance I will live.

Hit me at 40 mph there is an 80% chance I will die.

Come up behind be flashing your lights when i am in the outside lane of a motorway doing 85 mph overtaking a long line of traffic and there is obviously no chance i can pull in but you still flash your lights and make V signs like the obsessive compulsive idiot that you really are and there is an 80% chance you are driving a BMW.

Q: I once touched a dead Badger with a spoon, have you ever used an item of cutlery in such a fashion ?

A: An excellent question! I have always wondered how all those badgers manage to get to sleep by the sides of the road and why the the passing cars don’t wake them. Can I ask why your implement of choice was a spoon, do you wander the streets at night hunting for road kill? Are you perhaps some strange Man – Vulture hybrid? Perhaps you were bitten by a

radioactive vulture as a child and now wear a vulture costume at night when you go out fighting crime, armed with just a spoon? I can honestly say that I have never touched a dead

badger with a spoon or any other item of cutlery. I did once have a pet dog, I called it Badum-badum because that was the noise it made when I ran it over. Buy my car!

Q: Have you reported the Jedi in the picture to the police?

A: My Missus took the photos, to the best of my knowledge she is not and never has been a Jedi. And before the next question comes in, she is not a Sith either. Please bid on my car or

I will return stronger & more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Q: Good Morning This is indeed a fantastic listing, I am so glad that you have taken the time to write out such a detailed description of your automobile. Unfortunately I will not be bidding on you auction, as no matter how comical the listing is, it will in no way persuade me to part with my hard earned cash for such a hateful little car. Good day to you sir

A: I am guessing you Drive a Porsche Cayenne and therefore have a very tiny penis. Good day to you also Sir.

Q: Good morrow squire. I am looking for a car that will make it to the arctic circle but which costs under 100 pounds sterling so I can officially enter it in the Scally Rally. My question is, why do my fellow bidders seem unable to grasp basic spelling? For the love of Zeus, people could st least make an effort to use their, they’re and there correctly. Post-rally I may convert the Rover into a mobile classroom and force-teach spelling and grammar to unsuspecting philistines. Saying this, when I joined ebay some moons ago I apparently couldn’t spell, ‘lethal’ but I was subsequently taught by a bearded man who teaches (and offers sweets) out of the back of his Reliant Kitten.

A: I love the fact you have slagged people off for bad spelling and then in the very next sentence spelt “at” wrong! You are way funnier than I am (although perhaps not intentionally),

have you ever considered selling your car on eBay? Good luck with the Rally, but I hope this Rover will go for more than £100 so you may need to look elsewhere for your arctic vehicle.

Q: Hello, I don’t have a question; but do have an answer for you! The reason why your car doesn’t blow hot/cold air on the first two settings is due to a burnt out relay switch, very

common (with Rovers (I know because guess what I drive?)) and very easy to replace. Hope that helps with your bids. PS thanks for the read it helped to pass some time whilst I was

working a night shift. It would seem you have been glorified into a internet celebrity as this is now doing the rounds via email. Peace out.

A: Thanks, all the problems with the car are easy to fix i think, except perhaps the fact that at the end of the day it is still a Rover.

Q: Your obviously a person of considerable intellect, good taste (hence the classic Rover), and knowledge of the important things in life. Two questions:- 1. What year were Birmingham

runners up in the FA Cup ? 2. Who had the better 80’s perm, Jon Bon Jovi or David Coverdale ? I hope I win your Rover!

A: Birmingham City have been runners up more than once I think, 1955/56 was definitely one year but i’m not sure about the other years? Wikipedia says they are the current European

Champions so that isn’t much help. I always thought it was a shame that Jon Bon Jovi didn’t have a twin brother called Ron, however regardless of that Coverdale wins the Perm question

hands down. I used to have “big hair” in the 1980s, in my own mind I used to look like “Vince” from the TV series Just Good Friends, however in reality I looked more like “Shep” from Blue Peter

Q: Hi, can you tell me what the ‘SI’ stands for please? I’m lead to believe that it represents ‘suspect ignition’ or ‘sports ironically’? Correct me if I’m wrong only I’ve just started to try and

understand the Rover way… Also are they the limited edition 5 spoke rally fandango race alloy wheels?

A: SI stands for “Sexually Inviting”, like I said, this car is a real babe magnet. Did you see that question from those women in the office in Berkshire? Trust me, my the end of this auction

they’ll be all over me like a rash. I am a bit of a moose to be honest but when women see me in this car they start sweating like a blind lesbian in a sushi bar. Bid now while it is still

going cheap!

Q: Surely the aerodynamics and the sporty red, accompanied by the fine 1.4 si engine would shame many a 6r4 in the right hands!? As you drive this car everyday there must of been duels with other machinery that the si has embarrassed? (Your a comedy genius, you had tears of laughter running down myself and girlfriends cheeks! Cheers mate)

A: I did embarrass a Subaru Impreza once, however that was only by parking next to it at B&Q.

Q: I notice in a couple of your photographs there are also a couple of wheely bins – one green and one grey. I could do with a new green one after some pikeys stole mine, are you selling

these wheely bins seperately, or are they included in this auction?

A: You cant take the wheely bins I’m afraid, that is where I hide at night waiting for that hoody to come back and try and rob my car again. Incidentally you can’t use the term “Pikey” anymore as it is not PC, you have to call them Travellers or Thieving Gypos now.

Q: Can I have a photo of you? Me and all the other girls in the office think you must be hot, because you’re so funny. We’re already fighting over you… x

A: Imagine Keanu Reeves behind the wheel of a P reg Rover 214si and thats what i look like, you don’t need a photo, trust me Unfortunately I dance like Steven Hawking but that’s not

really a problem as most of my skills are suited to a more intimate environment.

Q: As this item is still only at about £50, would you consider trading it for a “PAUL ROSS – 20 Inch Canvas Print”, which sells for a similar price, but is generally considered to be worth a lot more?

A: I would rather cut off my own buttocks and sit in a bath of vinegar. Thank you for your question.

Q: In the main picture, the photographer’s shadow is the bottom left hand corner, suggesting the sun was south by south west. But the president was killed by a bullet supposedly fired from the texas book depository, which is to the north of reading. There is no way you could have driven this car, taken that photo, and left the grassy knoll. The picture has been

photoshopped. I don’t think this is a genuine advert, and you sir are a charlatan. Or maybe a happy monday. Can I come and kick the tyres, think long and hard for a while, and then not

buy it? are timewasters welcome?

A: Kevin, I assume from your question that you have either been inhaling dubious substances or perhaps have consumed far too much Lidl own brand Cyder. I think that you are the best

advert in favour of the Government’s plans to increase the price of cheap alcohol that they could possibly wish for. Go and have some strong coffee and a lie down, you’ll feel better in

the morning.

Q: Hello kind sir. May I congratulate you on your choice of rare ferrari, as demonstrated by the rare ‘go faster ferrari colours and alloys’. However on a serious note, could this car be turned upside down and used as a boat, I am planning on ferrying illegal immigrants, would you care to join me in this venture? Kind regards Gwynne

A: Thank you for your enquiry. The Rover can accommodate 5 illegal immigrants in comfort and if you blacked out the windows I feel sure that you could get the occupants past customs. I am afraid I can only help you if you are ferrying them out of the UK rather than in to it though, if that’s what you were planning then we could probably fit a couple in the boot as well.

Q: Best… Ebay Item…. Ever….. Seriously…. Is it just me that thinks that James Blunt is quite good?

A: I believe that James Blunt is actually the latest addition to Cockney Rhyming Slang. An example of it’s use being: – “Stop acting like a complete James and bid on my Rover”. Thank

you for your question.

Q: Hi, I’m not actually looking to buy a car at the moment, I just wanted to mention that if you sat on a cushion of 120 wooden beads you wouldn’t end up with more dimples than a golf ball. Golf balls typically have 300-600 dimples.

A: Dear Gareth, it may be time for another visit to Millets to buy a new anorak, you wouldn’t want to be seen on platform 7 with your notebook and tartan flask in an old anorak now would you?

Q: Hi, I’m not actually looking to buy a car at the moment, I just wanted to mention that if you s at on a cushion of 120 wooden beads you wouldn’t end up with more dimples than a golf ball. Golf balls typically have 300-600 dimples.

A: Why have you sent me this question twice, do you want someone to talk to, do you have no friends? I will be your friend if you buy my car, well, right up until the paypal payment clears anyway.

Q: I wish to put right a few issues with your advert. You state the windows do not work, the heater is faulty, the exhaust is noisy etc. You have obviously never read the Rover 214si handbook, 112.338.76 version C. These are not ‘faults’, merely features of this vintage of Rover, my girlfriend also pilots one of these fine automobiles & it exibits the same symptoms. I like to compare them to, say, a mild cough, one which I am sure it will recover from. Or it may turn into a severe bronchial condition. Who knows. Anyway, good luck with the sale. Ps, recently I have been wondering – are ELO the greatest band ever?

A: Thank you for your reply. You are correct, the “defects” I list are simply “Undocumented Features” and as any true car enthusiast will know are all part of the joys of owning a Rover. Have you considered bidding on this vehicle so that you can bring your girlfriend’s Rover back to showroom condition? As for ELO being the greatest band ever I think you are forgetting the genius that was Joe Boxer and his anthemic “Boxer Beat”, its doesn’t get any better than that.

Q: Hello. A very nice example of a classic Rover here. I am not interested in the car at all. However, I am interested in the Magic Tree. Will this be available in a seperate auction?

A: Well spotted, the “Magic Tree” is not included in the auction as it has been in the family for many years now and i could note bare to part with it. I notice you are from Norfolk so I should point out that the tree is not really magic and that the big red thing in the pictures is one of those new fangled “Motor Cars” and not just a small tractor with an enclosed cab.

Q: Hi – I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, about your Rover. I gotta make you understand, a full commitment’s what I’m thinking of, if I win this auction. Can you guarantee that your Rover isn’t going to:

A) Let me down,

Make me cry, or

C: Say goodbye? Many thanks, Mr R Astley.

A: Thanks for your question Mr Astley. You can be sure that if you bought the “Hot Hatch” that you would be Together Forever because it’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Q: Sir – I am greatly interested in your most excellent vehicle .Here in Kazakhia the Red Rover 214 is a symbol of wealth second only to the desireable White Ford Escort 1.4 with central locking! My new limousine service “Village Rapist Carriages” is seeking vehicles of the highest quality .I have only a problem with finding the said .I am ,as a gesture of good faith ,willing to send you a cheque for £5000 if you will promise to return to me the difference of money after you have sent the vehicle to me! I am hoping you will participate in my most excellent scheme ,as my current vehcile ,a Blue 1984 Ford Fiesta is no longer viewed as luxury in my village. If you kindly fill car with spare headgaskets this will be well met also. Good day sir

A: Of course I will send you the car if you give me a cheque for £5000. Please make the cheque out to the Christian Association of Student Housing, actually that might be a little bit long to fit on the cheque so just use their initials C.A.S.H. instead.

You will need to take care of the import duty yourself though as I believe that Rovers are rightly classed as luxury items on your country.

Q: Hi, If I spray the back lights black and drill some holes in the exhaust, will I get maximum respec’ with the macDonalds carpark crew? Also, can you tell me who was number 1 on my birthday (31st July 1981) Peace out!

A: You want to spray the lights black? You sound like the sort of person who hangs out around the shops wearing a “No Fear” hoody. I suspect you may be the person who broke my windows, if you are could I have my sat-nav back please? Alternatively, bid on the Rover and we’ll call it quits.

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