Viz classics

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we’ve just been told our jobs are moving to India. I’m so excited!
I’ve always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I’ll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner

What is it with diabetics? One minute they’re on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming “Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!”
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say “No thanks, I’m diabetic.” I wish they’d get their story straight.
U Potter

I wouldn’t say boo to a goose. I’m not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts

Why is it always people who say ‘bring back hanging’ who also say ‘hanging’s too good for them’? Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What’s healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley

AM I the only person who hasn’t banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It’s something I’m quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Bill McClean, e-mail

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied “I’ll tell you when you’re older”
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one’s arse:
I’m 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on ‘constant intrusion’ into the couple’s private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb,or the ‘About Heather’ section of her website http://www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds

PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship – diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn’t so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let’s give credit where credit is due.
T Harpic, London

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have been?
T Thorne, London

WHY DON’T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. b****cks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes.
Wise move.
Martin Mannion

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s minge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds

My friend’s mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

My neighbour is an odd fellow. He’s got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he’ll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham

When I nipped into a McDonald’s to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said ‘I’m Lovin’ it!’, but the poor sod’s face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull