A guide to pillions

Fork Bottomer
FB, aka, Fat B*stard, sits like a sack of tatties on your overstressed
bike. Helps you pull monster wheelies though even on C90s’. But watch out, you may get hauled off too. At least you’ll have a soft landing though with the added extra pleasure of flattening the FB.

Flyweight
Delightful. You just don’t know they’re there. Occasionally pounds at your back when you’re really enjoying yourself ‘cos you’ve forgotten about them. Worth checking to see if you still have them now and again, you may have dropped them at the lights. The ‘lifesaver’ routine is invaluable with these pillions.

Petrified
These pillions are the best. They remain frozen with fear and you can
forget about them. Take a crowbar with you to prise them off the seat when you stop at the pub though.

Terrified
A challenge. Unlike Petrified, Terrified moves all over the place,
counter-leaning in corners, clenching their buttocks and squirming on the seat as you filter through traffic, emitting pitiful cries of unhappiness as you hare off from the lights…truly annoying. Cure by applying more terror until they become Petrified.

Indifferent
Not impressed by the smoothest of corners, the beefiest of blastoffs, the wildest of wheelies and the most perceptive, pre-emptive and prescient of roadcraft. This pillion knows no fear either. Riders are mystified by this one although theories abound. Possibly a despatch riders panniers in a previous incarnation, possibly plays Russian roulette in their spare time, possibly a follower of the Roger Moore school of method acting. Possibly dead, check pulse to avoid confusing with Petrified.

Asleep
Like Indifferent but with the reason that this pillion is nodding off.
Occasionally wakes up with a sudden movement. Cure with coffee, let them fall off or try being less enthusiastic in bed the night before if that could be a cause.

No-Way-Am-I-Gay
If the pilot’s a bloke and the pillion is too, this personality trait
sometimes shows up. This pillion will perch as far away from the bloke in front as is physically possible while remaining on the bike. No-Way-Am-I-Gay sometimes falls off during hard acceleration as he won’t hang on to the pilot but prefers looking stupid to being thought gay. Will kick your head in if you call him insecure, even if all you meant was that he will find it difficult to stay on the bike. Watch out for feet in the armpits when accelerating as the pillion heroically attempts to stay on without doing anything so poofy as to grab the bloke in front. Utterly hopeless.

Mumbler / Regional Accent Handicapped
Can’t hear or understand a word this pillion says. Impossible to swap witty remarks with, especially in the cut and thrust of rush hour traffic.
E.g “I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommaraglike”
“What?”
“I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommaraglike”
“Eh?”
“I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommaraglike!”
“um, say again?”
“I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommaraglike!”
…the lights change, bugger it, repeat at next set. Frustrating.

Backseat Rider Type A – non-vocal
Usually people with their own bike who’re scrounging a lift off you for some reason. They send useful feedback about your riding style in a totally non-verbal way, usually by clutching you really hard just when you’re enjoying a corner. If this pillion expects you to take a certain turning you’ll find the bike heading that way regardless of your own wishes because the pillion has leant that way. Very disconcerting.

Type B – Vocal
Gives a running commentary of everything and everyone on the road.
E.g. “Use your indicators, fat-a*se mercedes!”
“Look at the size of that pothole!”
“Bloody diesel, should be a law against it”
“Get over you prat!”
Takes a while to get rid of the feeling your mind has developed an echo.
Mildly disconcerting, then you get used to it.

Joker
Amuses himself with witty little jokes designed to endear himself to other road users.
E.g …with fag in hand to cage driver at traffic lights “here pal, have you got a light?”
Cage driver “don’t be so stupid, you’ll kill yourself”
“no, it’s okay, I’m down to five a day now”
Incurable, but fortunately rare as he doesn’t live long.