New terms and Conditions of Employment

Effective From April 1st 2006

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci handbag we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you will need to learn to manage your money better so that you can buy nicer clothes, and therefore will not need a pay rise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you will not need a pay rise.

Sick Days.

We will no longer accept a doctors certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctors you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave

Annual leave will have a name change and will from the above date be clasified as PERSONAL DAYS. Each employee will receive 102 Personal Days, henceforth to be known as Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave.

There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased relatives, friends or work colleagues. Every effort should be made to have non – employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is absolutely necessary, the funeral arrangement should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your meal break and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There will now be a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes a siren will sound, the toilet roll holder will retract into the wall, the door will automatically open, and a picture will be taken. After a second offence your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders Category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the companies mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch, to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people will get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

The management thank you for your loyalty to our company. we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Yours

the Management.