just a quickie

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids.
I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn’t see anything,
but every now and then
you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
“Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

There’s a pizza place near where I live
that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

What happens if you put
a slinky on an escalator?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Is “tired old cliche” one?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman’.

When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
‘Did you sleep good?’

I said,
‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

How did a fool and his money
get together in the first place?

If a mute kid swears,
should his mother
wash his hands with soap?

When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell,
or would heaven be a better punishment?

What was the best thing
before sliced bread?

Do people in Australia, call the rest
of the world, “Up Over” ?

Was it somebody’s cruel idea to
put an “S” in the word “LISP” ?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I’m in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The sky already fell.

Now what?

SHOULD CREMATORIUMS GIVE DISCOUNTS TO BURN VICTIMS?

If it’s zero degrees outside today
and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?

If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?

Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Right now I’m having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard,
he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’
He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I’d like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.
It’s called, ‘They’ll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away
‘Cause I’m Not Raking ‘Til Spring.’

Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do Asians throw hamburgers?

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Why isn’t the word, ‘phonetically’
spelled with an ‘ f ‘?

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep
in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were
showing up on TV’s all over the world.

I knew a guy who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.

I have an inferiority complex.
But it’s not a very good one.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there 5 syllables
in the word “monosyllabic”?

Do radioactive cats have
eighteen half-lives?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I was trying to daydream,
but my mind kept wandering.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He’s gone now.

Do they give pilots crash courses
in flight school?

My grandfather likes to give me advise,
but he’s a little forgetful.
One day, he took me aside
and left me there.

I’m a psychic amnesiac.
I know in advance what I’ll forget

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you see okay?

Something’s wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman

I’m at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and
all the impersonators would be dead.

When you’re in school, and there’s a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?

I went to the cinema, and the prices were:
Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, ‘Give me two boys and a girl.’

Why don’t they just make mouse flavored cat food?

I’m a peripheral visionary.
I see far into the future….
Just way off to one side.

If you are killing time,
are you damaging eternity?

Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
“Tell me about some of the people who were here last year”.

I went to a restaurant that serves
‘Breakfast At Any Time.’
So I ordered French Toast
during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting
the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you’d notice.
It’s just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities
are needed to make carbon paper.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
can he still hear his Walkman?

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas,
I just think about it.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang ‘Happy Birthday’.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won’t run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit,
do they garnish his wages?

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood
plays ‘Helter Skelter’.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don’t know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me.
I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

You know how it is when
you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?

How can there be self-help ‘groups’?

My watch is three hours fast,
and I can’t fix it.
So I’m going to move to New York.

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?

One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Why is it illegal to park in a
handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child…
Eventually.

One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her.

I said, ‘Hi’, And she said, ‘Hi’, and then I said, ‘Nice day, isn’t it?’.

And she said, ‘I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.’

So I asked, ‘What’s the problem?’ She replied, ‘I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you.’

I said, ‘Well, sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.’

So she said, ‘Well, my analyst said I’m a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys… By the way, my name is Denise.’

I said, ‘Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein.’.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers
at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it a joke?

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

Why do they use sterile needles
for lethal injections?

Why are there braille dots on
the keypads at drive up ATMs?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.