Chav nativity

There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like “Oo ya lookin at?” Gabriel just goes “You got one up the duff, you have.” Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large; “Stop dissin’ me yeah?

I ain’t no Kappa-slapper I never bin wiv no one, I ain’t!”

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself, though she ain’t gotta clue who de bleedin fahver is. Any’ows Liz is largin’ it coz she’s filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an’ ‘at.

She’s like “Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an’ that we gonna get.”

Mary goes “Yeah, s’pose you’re right. Won’t ‘ave to live wiv me bleedin’ mum no more, like. Know wot ah mean?”

Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money, like, so they ‘ave to ponse a donkey, an’ Go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah?

To have her bay-bee an’ that. But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter this geezer’s garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Cahs an’ sheep an’ that.

Then these free uver geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their ‘eads. They’re like “Respec, bay-bee Jesus”, an’ they say they’re wise men from up the the East End.

So Joe goes: “If you’re so F-ing wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv dis Frankenstein an’ myrrh an’ stuff? Why dincha just bring gold soverign rings, Adidas and Burberry an’ such?”

It’s all about to really kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sez he’s got another message from this geezer wots Lordin it over alluv ’em.

He’s like “The Old Bill is comin an’ they’re like killin all the bay-bees. You better F off to Egypt, like, ya know, right now.” So Joe goes “You must be F-ing monged if you fink I’m gain’ dahn Egypt on a mingin’ donkey.”

Gabriel sez “Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your bleedin’ look out if you stay.” So they go dahn Egypt till the Old Bill’s stopped killin the first-born an’ it’s safe an’ that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus grows up and learns how to turn water into Stella. Well cool!

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Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggie until you can find a big stick!