why i cant come to work today….

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    1. If it’s all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

    2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

    3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
    Half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

    4. My stigmata’s acting up.

    5. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

    6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet . . .

    7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

    8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
    and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

    9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

    10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

    11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
    me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

    12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

    13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

    14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

    15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

    16. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

    17. I prefer to remain an enigma.


    life sucks get used to it

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