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  • #10420
    Gix
    Participant

    DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
    tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

    CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
    having a p*ss before the film starts.

    RAPPERS: Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m sayin’ all the time by
    actually speaking clearly in the first place.

    DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
    identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
    with your old bank statements.

    WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
    red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

    SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
    tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

    MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

    BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

    EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
    CVs into the bin.

    MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
    the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

    GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

    BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

    BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

    ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

    DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

    PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

    CAR thieves: Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

    DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a ‘cry for help’,
    simply shout ‘Help!’ thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

    MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

    JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

    SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

    SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

    BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
    into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

    ALCOHOLICS: don’t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

    McDONALD’S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they’ve been thrown out of car windows.

    WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking [email protected] Most men couldn’t give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you’ve been banged.



    LOVE IS GIVING SOMEONE THE ABILITY TO DESTROY YOU, THEN TRUSTING THEM NOT TO.

    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, VODKA in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming…….WOO HOO, WHAT A RIDE!!

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    #30984
    imperialdata
    Keymaster

    Very, very funny!

    #30985
    barmy_carmy
    Participant

    psml Lol!

    I’m not riding fast, I’m just flying low. and please DONATE to this website

    #30986
    katana
    Participant

    FRUSTRATED ECO WARRIORS: An empty metal cigar tube filled with wasps makes a environmentally friendly vibrator.



    Donut – I mean DONATE!



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