Some useful tips…

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    If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it’s throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

    Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake p*nis to your forehead. Your allegiance
    is now clear to all.

    Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

    Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

    Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

    Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

    Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

    Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and s**g every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

    Don’t buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

    Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
    direction of oncoming traffic.

    Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.

    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

    Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.

    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

    Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they wont know any difference.

    Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of rodeo sex. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.

    Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area
    of the stain and check that it has gone.

    High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

    A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara

    Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it.

    Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

    A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
    you from rolling over and going back to sleep


    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, VODKA in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming…….WOO HOO, WHAT A RIDE!!


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