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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noonin the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to
sing along.
And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
£10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special
announcement at the Party.Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’.. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be
no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no
gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00
is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used
in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the
food first..
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December 2005
RE: The ******** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so
quaintly put it, you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you
slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right
NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 10th December 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
pay.
life sucks get used to it
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